1, 2, 3 ... Three.

Give me all your fuckin’ money! … and a handful of suckers, please.

I’d burst forth from the doors, dark sunglasses shading my pansy blue eyes, canvas sacks bulging with cash, shredding a grape lollipop between my molars. What a savage! onlookers would say, but I’d literally be thinking Damn, this is tasty.

It never made that much sense to me, the suckers thing. I mean, I get that banks want to appear personable and trustworthy. Somehow giving your children cavities accomplishes that. Really, you’ll likely pull out a loan to pay for the headgear, and those shits will earn interest.

Whatever. As a tyke, errand runs were awesome once we hit that drive-thru. My mom probably thought I just loved her company, but my motives were sugar-oriented.

Even yesterday when I pulled into First Citizens, dollars and Dum Dums were on my mind, but the flavor delights hit the hypothalamus first. I smiled a little.

I was the only indoor customer, with someone in a gurgling SUV speaking robot through the intercom.

On that note, I always prefer breaching the walls of establishments. I like a little chit chat that’s not mediated by glass. Is the majority so rushed that they can’t show more than half their torso to order a meal or a fucking Starbucks coffee? Somewhat inversely, Subway has introduced touch-screen kiosks so their employees are mutes. That job application just got easier:

Can you cut a tomato? Yes or No.

Are you friendly? Actually, we don’t care. Douchebags accepted.

I only wanted to deposit a check. The female counter help was very bubbly, whether sincere or an act. As she’s looking up my account information – because I keep none of it on me, I visit so infrequently – she asks (yells) Do you know about our FreeMoney Bonus Program?!

It’s sort of like my dermatologist asking Do you know about our new, safe fake tan?

(My milky skin must scream for it like my feeble funds for dough.)

Um, No. I don’t. Although I assume you’ll now tell me about it. Which she did.

Theoretically, it’s designed to encourage the “lost” convention of maintaining a savings account. I did not know people did not do this. Apparently Americans are more on the outs with intelligence than I suspected. It’s a nudge – what should be a kick in the ass – towards responsibility during the economic black hole. In practice, though, it’s pretty laughable.

Here’s how FreeMoney works:

1. Open a First Citizens personal checking account alongside a FreeMoney savings account.

2. Use your check card like a fiend.

3. Once you surpass 10 transactions, every one thereafter that is $25 or more adds $1 to your FreeMoney savings account. This cycle restarts each month.

Now, I’m considering this from the perspective of a college student. My parents are not high rollers, and I don’t get lofty allowances (well, any). I work several jobs to pay for all day-to-day essentials. Therefore, I do use my check card consistently.

$10.88 Gillie’s Breakfast

$15.79 Kroger

$15.00 Hokie Hair (which is a raping; for me, it’s essentially $1 per minute)

$1.01 Hess for an Arizona Tea (tough to beat for 23.5 fl. oz.)

And the scroll unrolls.

But rarely do I crest the steep $25 marker. Sure, when an open cabinet reveals only confectioner’s sugar and Triscuits, it’s time to make moves. Otherwise, it’s fun-size swipes.

So unless you’re a perpetual big spender, the FreeMoney pitch is actually counterproductive. I could turn over a dollar quicker by scouring friends’ sofa crevices or, say, doing a lap around the Walmart parking lot.

In fact, I’d actively lose money just making the trip to First Citizens to open a FreeMoney account. Say I go to the Christiansburg location: 15 miles round trip. Gas is running $2.34 per gallon at the aforementioned Hess. My Civic gets approximately 30 miles per gallon. I’ve already lost my first Washington (along with his circular pals FDR and Jefferson).

Atop that, I’d endure 15 minutes in an uncomfortable chair while someone chicken pecked extremely basic information about me (that they should already have on file) into “the system”. There are better ways to spend time. Like eating cereal; damn, Marshmallow Mateys are dynamite – crushed two bowls this morning, taking care of 100% daily value of folate, which we all know keeps our red blood cells kicking. Who wants anemia, right? Right?

Anyway. My suggestion? Outsource your green.

I prefer to throw any spare bills I can into my ING Orange. Relatively speaking, I have chump change in it, but that bad boy has earned me more than $60 this year with a relatively steady APY. That is real free money, and it’s a welcome cushion when times get tight. A couple clicks and a couple days and your checking account gets a boost.

Or vice versa if your mascara-smeared Pete Wentz bass guitar pick sold on eBay.

I hope someone gave that to you.